the war for christmas

on the 12th of december, 2037, the War For Christmas reached a fever pitch when Mariah Carey was cancelled after eating a sandwich that made her quantifiably racist. as tensions in the capitol boiled over and protests raged on in Wyoming, American Santa Claus was driving home from his workshop at 8:43 PM when he was shot at least 80 times by several police officers and a howitzer hidden in a nearby warehouse. (the howitzer did not respond for comment.)

with American Santa Claus dead, the psionic Christmas link between all americans was severed, resulting in a collective Blood Rage. protests became blood tests, and all involved came away with a letter saying they'd receive their results within 2-3 working days, a little bandaid and a lollipop. the resultant data helped build the foundation for public health care in america and led to breakthroughs in treatments for chronic illnesses such as crohn's disease.

at 8:44 PM, the statue in the Lincoln Memorial came to life, stood up, and started walking northward. he would eventually end up in Seattle; when asked for comment, he explained that "the tax rates [at the memorial] were really bad" and "[he] wanted a break from politics". Abraham Lincoln continues to live in a giant log cabin in Seattle to this day.

on the 13th of december, 2037, everyone went home, deciding christmas wasn't really worth it and that they'd only get a few things and not bother with christmas shopping. scholars call the era we live in today "The Golden Age of Christmas" for good reason